Rantz: I barely survived the historic 80+ degree Seattle heatpocolypsemaggedon

I nearly didn’t make it. We nearly didn’t make it.

Seattle—known for its gentle drizzle—launched itself headfirst into hell’s brutal inferno. Media outlets were right to slap Extreme Heat Warning banners across screens because the city had morphed into Death Valley. It was so hot outside that my cold brew cooled down 4.7% faster than normal. I was forced to cut the pace of my moderate walking speed to mildly moderate walking speed while bravely enduring the kind of suffering usually reserved for documentaries about the Sahara.

My dog D’Artagnan panted once during my last walk with him (I think he did; it might have been a yawn). Even the local squirrels, normally arrogant freeloaders, were forced to sprawl on tree branches like tragic Renaissance paintings, contemplating whether they’d ever see a drizzle-soaked acorn again.

I, a valiant local, ventured outside and—shock, horror—barely broke a sweat.

Seattle was briefly robbed of weather… 3 degrees cooler than the week before

Yes, Seattle was briefly robbed of its 78 degree summer weather for temperatures that scaled the dizzying heights of the mid‑80s, flirting with 90°F, according to KOMO and FOX 13. One microphone‑wielding meteorologist practically wrote its obituary in registers of doom. KOMO quoted the National Weather Service insisting the Extreme Heat Warning was real—these mid‑80s highs, they cried, posed “major risk of heat‑related illness.”

Meanwhile at Sea‑Tac, we “tied or broke records,” reaching 91°F—apparently unprecedented catastrophe. CBS News called the heat “sweltering.” FOX 13 piled on with hyperbole about the “blistering sunshine,” and “major threat of heat stroke.”

Then there’s Axios jumping in with tips like freezing your pillowcases—because obviously, we were one melted cotton sheet away from oblivion. Meanwhile, Mother Nature had the gall to let overnight temperatures remain surprisingly temperate in the mid‑60s. Cozy, right? Pure torture—if you’re an ice cube.

Here’s how I survived

So here I stand, alive, typing this with unshaky fingers, wondering how I survived a hellish storm of 85°F. How did I endure that oppressive “heat wave”? I turned on the air conditioner, walked on the shady side of the street, and I think I drank an extra glass of water. Truly astonishing heroism.

And now the heat alerts are lifting, marine air is staging a comeback, temperatures will slide back to “pleasant.” Cry me a river?

This was Seattle’s most epic tragedy: a week where the thermometer dared to climb slightly above the week before… in the summer—and I survived, sweating only philosophically.

Listen to The Jason Rantz Show on weekday afternoons from 3 p.m. – 7 p.m. on Seattle Red on 770 AM (HD Radio 97.3 FM HD-Channel 3). Subscribe to the podcast here. Follow Jason Rantz on X, Instagram, YouTube, and Facebook.

Follow @https://twitter.com/jasonrantz